


I'm sorry that I couldn't save your life

by redlipsredledger



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Anakin Skywalker has anger issues, Anakin Skywalker regrets everything, Angst and Feels, Broken Hearts, Broken Promises, Darth Vader Redemption, F/M, Facing his shame, Human Disaster Anakin Skywalker, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, Inner Dialogue, Mental Breakdown, Oneshot, Past Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, Redemption in death, Sith Anakin Skywalker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-24
Updated: 2020-01-24
Packaged: 2021-02-27 14:14:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22388527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redlipsredledger/pseuds/redlipsredledger
Summary: Mostly just dribble with Anakin dealing with emotions or you know... Not.No but a serious summary: waking up as Vader he processes padme dying and reflects on that and laments on his regrets.
Relationships: Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker
Kudos: 19





	I'm sorry that I couldn't save your life

Nothing was what he'd known before. Everything hurt, every inch of him _burned_ and it hurt to move; his body foreign, barely even human moved with more of a clunk than the fluid movement of a Jedi dancing through a routine with a saber in his hands knowing purpose and placement in the universe, he'd been that once. He'd come from being a boy lost without a purpose to a potential prodigy, the pride of Obi Wan himself to this.

This.... This monstrosity.

His hands closed, they closed too slowly and he listened to the groan and the protest of it and he growled in frustration. He took a moment, just a moment to breathe and try to calm himself down before the first person that walked into the room got thrown into the wall and his hand closed into a fist in the air choking the life out of them without even thinking about it.

Until he did.

He staggered, he dropped his hand and he shook his head wildly as he looked around and panic rose in him like a tsunami. He wished that it would wash him away now, all he could see in his mind was her face. All he could hear was her pleading with him to _stop_ and to fight for her and- He could see it, he could see it all but it was all distorted and it made no sense in his head and so he held to the anger that he felt instead. Anger was the fuel that had driven him down this road after all.

He could hear the hissing in his head telling him that it wasn't _him_ that had been responsible for what had happened, the angry whisper inside of him that bubbled up all of the hatred inside of a man that had once held so much light and he cursed his friend and mentor, wishing him a brutal death and he vowed there and then that it would be at his hand.

He knew somewhere inside of him though that it was wrong. Obi Wan didn't deserve it, he had done nothing wrong.

"Where is Padme?" He flicked his eyes toward someone. He didn't know who.

He really didn't care.

"I-I- She's dead, sir." The trooper spoke with such a shaky voice that he sounded like a child being scorned.

A child too afraid to admit to a parent what he'd done wrong and he should be afraid. 

Anger once again replaced rationality and he choked the life out of him then and there with a simple twist of a stiff wrist that was then flicked sending the body of his bearer of heartbreak into the wall and he dropped to his knees. No. No, she couldn't be dead. She couldn't be gone. He was so sure that going down this road was the one thing that would save her. All he could see was her face, all he could see was her pain and he felt himself falling apart.

The last parts of what made him human falling into a deep, dark abyss and an opening for the emptiness that would eventually overtake him was sparked. It was a flickering flame, something he'd nurture over the coming years until it was all there was inside of him because he couldn't live with the pain.

Somewhere inside of him he knew that he'd caused it. He knew that she'd been right all along when she pled with him to hold to the light, when she told him to trust in The Force and trust in the love that she had for him but the poison inside of him had simply been too strong. It had coursed through his veins and it had corrupted a once innocent heart and taken away everything that he loved in the process just like Obi Wan and Padme had told him it would.

He reached out to nothing. He reached out to darkness as he tried his best to _feel_ her, something - anything really - to prove to himself that they were wrong and that she wasn't gone. Padme Amidala could not be dead. He was not ready to live in this cold, dark galaxy without her. If she was gone that was exactly what it was: Cold and dark because she'd have taken all the light and warmth with her when she died.

_Are you an Angel?_

How far he'd come from that idealistic young boy. How far he'd fallen from that hopeful child that had looked up at her like she was the most magnificent creature in the world, he'd promised himself then and there that he would love her forever and that he'd do whatever it took to be a part of her world. He'd made a vow to The Force itself that he would win her heart and he would make her his and he had. He'd done exactly that and then anger had destroyed it.

Wavering between the two sides of him, a battle waged inside of his head that had him raising his hand to his head and he shook it profusely. He just wanted the pain to stop. He just wanted it all to go away; he knew in that moment that he'd rather feel nothing at all than feel this. He knew in that moment that he'd rather never feel a thing again than feel the loss of her. 

He flashed back to just mere weeks ago, his hand on her growing stomach with his forehead leaned against hers and he felt the movement of their baby within her, a promise for a future that a boy had wanted with a beautiful girl that he'd sworn that he'd love forever and he'd smiled. She'd had the brightest smile that he'd ever seen and she'd told him that he wasn't going to lose her or their future. She'd told him that she loved him and she'd promised him that no matter what she'd be right there and she'd make him see that he wasn't going to lose her.

He had. He had lost her and he felt a strong sense of anger and agony rising in him that made it hard to even breathe. He didn't want to continue, in that moment he would have welcome oblivion because there was nothing out there for him. If she had died then their- He couldn't bring himself to finish the thought.

"No, no. Not my beautiful Padme." He screamed the words. Screamed. His voice was no longer his own.

He recognised nothing of the being that sat upon the ground grieving a death he had no right in even grieving. What was this creature now? Where had he gone and how had he strayed so far from the light that he'd be here now facing this? What was he now? _Who_ was he now? He'd have cried if he were capable of it but he wasn't.

No longer was he capable of letting tears wash away even a little bit of his sorrows and maybe that was exactly what he deserved. He deserved to be forced to live with it, he didn't deserve to be washed clean of his pain after what he'd done to her. He didn't deserve to ever be forgiven for it.

This - the darkness - had been his chance to save her. That was what Palpatine had promised wasn't it? He could save Padme. He could make sure that he didn't lose her, that was why Anakin had stopped Mace from killing her that day, that was why he'd made the choice to allow the whispering poison into his heart and he held to it because it was supposed to be the thing that would save her.

No, this had to be the work of his so-called friend and mentor.

He couldn't face that he'd killed her himself, he couldn't face the fact that his actions had been the thing that had taken her out of the galaxy and robbed everything of such a beautiful light. _Are you an Angel?_ Oh, how he longed for that moment and that boy now.

"Come back to me." He whispered, the broken remnants of a man turned monster pled to absolutely nothing.

The Darkness couldn't bring her back The Force couldn't bring her back. He was empty and lost without her, he had turned his back on all that he'd known, he had turned his back on what had saved him from slavery and loneliness, a life with no potential and a life of servitude and he'd lost everything now. Her, his mother, his children... There was only blackness. There was only blackness now and he'd allow that to take over him because he simply could not live with the pain.

All he could see was them, it didn't matter how many times he tried to shake it, it just wouldn't go. All he could see was her, their moments together, laughs, smiles, sorrows, tenderness and intimacy and promises for a future that were now gone forever. He could hear her pleading voice begging him to come back to her. He remembered hurting her and-

He hurt her.

He had hurt her. He had done the one thing that he never thought even he was capable of: He had hurt the one thing he loved more than anything else in the world or so he thought he had. The power had been so strong that he knew now that somewhere along the lines that craving and lust for power must have overtaken his love for her and he allowed himself to be lost to it and when he'd been stood there watching her eyes turn desperate and afraid, all he had been able to feel was anger.

She had such sadness in her eyes, fear and pain and sadness and yet she still loved him. She had still loved him enough to tell him that she just wanted him to come back to her.

_Anakin, all I want is your love._

_Love won't save you, Padme. Only my new powers will._

_At what cost? You're a good person, don't do this._

She had been so sure that she could save him. He could see it in her face and he knew somewhere inside of him that he owed it to her to come back, to fight through what had corrupted a pure heart and face what he'd done and do all he could to make amends for that. He knew he should've left with her when she'd asked. He'd change that now if he could. He'd run anywhere with her now if he could just to know that she was right there and safe beside him.

His powers hadn't saved her after all, his powers had taken her away and what use was power if it couldn't save the one you loved? Love was always said to be a weakness and maybe they were right about that. If he hadn't loved, he wouldn't have had anything to lose; the thought was like a physical punch.

_Oh Padme, I'm so sorry. You deserved so much better._

Even the knowledge of peace in death offered him no comfort but at least she was safe now, she was safe from him and she was safe from what was to come. She was out of it all and she'd never see what he turned into and that was the only blessing in any of this. She would never see the true darkness that had replaced the man that she'd given her heart and soul to. The man whose children she bore, the man who had taken all of them away and for what?

Was power really worth it, Anakin?

He shook his head fiercely at himself, that wasn't who he was anymore. Anakin Skywalker was dead. He was dead and gone and he could never go back and there was nothing to go back to now anyway. He had nothing now, nothing but the connection to such darkness and the need to make the pain stop completely. He wanted it all to end, there was no longer anything to live for. There was no longer a reason for the galaxy to continue its empty existence now.

Everything that he'd done and all the battles he'd fought was for her sake and now he could bring oblivion because it was better than living the rest of a long, empty life knowing what he'd done every day and knowing the pain that he'd caused. He wanted oblivion because he couldn't face the emptiness inside of himself with her gone.

Poor little Anakin, always running from your problems and looking for the easy way out.

Friends had turned on him, family was gone, love ceased to exist and he had nothing now, nothing worth holding onto and so why shouldn't he end it all? There was nothing, nothing but pain left for him and so that would feed a monster that took the place of a poor boy that had so desperately fought for a place in the world. A boy that had looked at the Jedi with a wonder in his eyes and sought to be like them so badly.

A man that had looked at a beautiful girl and sent a promise out into the universe that he'd make her his someday. He'd achieved everything, every last bit of it and he'd thrown it all away for anger and bitterness and now there was nothing left but that. There was that and there was an emptiness he was counting on to take away all of his pain because he couldn't face it. He couldn't face what he'd done and he could no longer consider existence without her in it.

_I'll find my way back to you, my love._

Even if that was the last promise he ever made to Padme Amidala, it would be the one that he kept. He would end everything, he would make sure that no one else lived through pain and agony and loss and he would find his way back to her in death and fulfill all of the promises that he'd broken in life. 

_I'll make sure I stop it all._

If there was nothing, there would be no Jedi, no Sith and all of it would end. It would all end and none of it would ever take anything away from anyone ever again. If there was nothing left, no one could suffer. If there was nothing left, no one could face the pain. No one could lose anything, they'd all be together in a beautiful afterlife and that? That made everything that he was about to do worth it in his mind.

_Anakin, you're breaking my heart; you're going down a path I can't follow._

Truly, insanity had overtaken that sweet boy so badly that he wholly believed he was doing the right thing; she had been right, he was going down a road she couldn't walk with him. He was insulting her and her memory and he didn't even realise it. She would've wanted him to fight back, she would've wanted him to find his way home to make her death worth something and instead, he would deal out insult after insult to her memory and by the time he realised he was never fit to love her in the first place, he'd be facing his own death.

A sweet death in which his last actions would be one of love, the kind of love that he thought when he'd lost her. He would save their son.

He would save what she'd left behind, the only parts of her that still remained here and he would die a good man. He would die as Anakin Skywalker and his final actions would be a fight for a redemption he knew he could never ever achieve and he'd know it in that moment but he'd fight so hard for it anyway, he'd fight harder for that than he had to find his way back to her. He'd fight for that with the kind of strength he'd owed to her years before.

His final actions would be an honor to her. His death would be to save her in a way he'd failed to do decades before.

His final actions would make him worthy to find his way home to her after all these years and that in his eyes made it all worth it. He would die, he would die and he would die gladly a good man finally. Anakin Skywalker would be the part of him that won out because Anakin Skywalker was the part of him that loved Padme so much that he couldn't stand the thought of losing the very last parts of her that he had left.

Finally, the light would lift a heart lost to darkness.

Finally, he'd be the man he always promised her he'd be, he just wished that it wasn't too late.


End file.
